God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
