Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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