My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
