remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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