The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
