I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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