my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
