Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
