after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
be right there i have to get my cape
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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