Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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