We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
