Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
