Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
