so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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