im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
