that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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