is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
