please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
