My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
