So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
