Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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