Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
