How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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