batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
