I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
