she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
