just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
