she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
