So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
