The maid of honor just puked.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
