If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
