what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
