i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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