paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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