so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
