I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
