Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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