I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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