My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
