Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
