I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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