I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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