Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
