He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
