Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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