so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
