I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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