Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
