I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A+ Viking dick
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