Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
