arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
