Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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