Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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