my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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