i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
