I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
